In spite of what you might think, especially given my previous columns (where have all the good men gone, parts one and two), I would like to “settle down” one day and get married.

But it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t critique the whole system first.

When did love become so expensive?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like nice things. I have so many shoes in my closet that I have stopped trying to close it, and enough clothes that I wouldn’t have to do a load of laundry for at least three months if I really didn’t want to.

Don’t ask me how I know that.

What I don’t like is nice things at the expense of other people.

Let’s start with bachelorette and bachelor parties.

When did society mutually agree that it was OK to make five to 10 of your closest friends take off work and spend thousands of dollars to cater to your every need for a week? I personally think making the people who love you most in life buy airplane tickets, Airbnbs, and special, curated outfits for each event is abominable.

In what world is that OK?

Personally, if I were to invite somebody to go on vacation, I would pay for the Airbnb for my guests, like I’m sure most people would, but that ideology gets thrown out if it happens to fall before a wedding.

How could you make everybody meticulously split the check five ways, or work overtime for weeks, and budget for a month just to celebrate yourself? Honestly, I think it is rude.

Not to mention if any of your bachelorettes back out because they can’t afford it or can’t take the time off of work; and no matter how many times the bride says that she “understands” and that “there’s no hard feelings,” we both know they will all be talking about you after a couple of drinks, which is why most people don’t turn down the invitation, because they feel that they can’t.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good party and any reason to celebrate, but I fear somewhere along the way, things got out of hand.

What happened to a simple weekend at the Cape? A night out, maybe a day at the beach, a manicure the next morning? The point was to spend time together, not to create a multi-day production.

But I feel like most people don’t see the problem in any of this because it’s “just what you do.”

And for the men, don’t worry, I am including you as well. Let’s be honest, bachelor parties are just an excuse to hit on women at a bar or go to a strip club in the name of “just one last time.”

And all of that for what, exactly?

Let me guess, your last night of freedom?

So, the person that you’ve been with for multiple years in a committed relationship, you decide to pick one week three months before you get married as your last chance of freedom?

I hate to break it to you, but the ship on your last night of freedom sailed on your third date.

And then, of course, there’s the wedding itself.

The whole wedding industry seems bloated. It is only socially acceptable because, well, it would be rude to say that it wasn’t.

So you spend (and this is modest) $2,000 on an engagement ring, $2,000 on a dress, $10,000 on a venue, another $6,000 on food, and if you’re lucky, probably only another $10,000 on miscellaneous needs.

I mean, the napkins on the table just had to match the color palette you carefully curated over the last 15 months, right? Wrong.

Love should not be this expensive.

You’ve loved the person for a couple of years silently, but have to randomly choose one day to spend 30 grand just to prove that to everyone else.

What makes love love is when it is shown in ways that are priceless.

When somebody remembers your favorite ice cream flavor and picks it up for you on the way home from work. Or when they ask you if you made it to your friend’s house safely.

Love doesn’t magically get stronger through $30,000 weddings.

It manifests every day in the little things you do for each other.

And the fact is, no matter how much your family and your friends love you (and hopefully your partner), the only ones who are really looking forward to your wedding are you, your husband, and maybe your dad, because he’s always dreamt of walking you down the aisle.

Other than that, most people would not care if you got married in a park with takeout pizza for dinner.

Honestly, they would probably prefer it.

Because one thing about love, nobody asks you to prove it.

You’re either meant to be or meant to fall apart, and that fact is not something you can buy.

But try on the designer wedding shoes, the dress you can’t afford, and tour the venue that wants you to put down 20 grand as a deposit.

Just don’t expect it to magically make him remember your favorite ice cream flavor.