There is a lot of discourse floating around right now about the difference between micro-cheating and cheating.

Haven’t heard of micro-cheating yet? It is a relatively new term that describes behavior that breaches trust without becoming a physical affair, although its definition varies from relationship to relationship. Psychology Today cites secretly communicating with an ex and hiding interactions with someone else as examples.

That subjectivity gives people plenty of room to excuse behavior they know would hurt their partners. While some would end a relationship over it, others may decide that because nothing physical happened, the betrayal is not worth walking away from everything they have invested.

My problem with the term micro-cheating is that it benefits the perpetrators. While it may have been created to provide accountability, it reduces the behavior to something smaller than it is: cheating. It also allows the conversation to become a debate over terminology, giving the person responsible the chance to argue that the relationship should not end because nothing physical occurred.

The excuses are familiar. The messages were not sexual. The dating profile was only a joke. The conversations were deleted because the partner would have misunderstood them. After enough explaining, the person who discovered the deception ends up having to prove that she is entitled to be hurt by it.

That is usually followed by the claim that everyone does it. We are told that men naturally want attention from multiple women, so a girlfriend should learn to distinguish between harmless validation and “real” cheating.

This reasoning has fooled many women and, honestly, reduced many men to victims of a supposed set of biological impulses. I thought men were supposed to be stronger and more respectable than this. The protectors? The providers? If that is the case, I do not want someone protecting me who can be brought to his knees by an Instagram notification.

The truth is, if a man needs that much attention while in a committed relationship, he should simply try polyamory. Because that is what micro-cheating is largely about: attention.

Physical cheating, while obviously worse in practice, could at least be explained by someone falling in love unexpectedly or believing he found his soulmate. I am not sure why he had to have that come-to-Jesus moment while already in a relationship, but the motivation is easier to understand.

Micro-cheating is more sinister to me because it is often done for nothing more than validation. Men are afraid to admit how much attention they require from a partner, and I do not think most of them realize it until they begin looking for that attention elsewhere. I think part of it is subconscious, too. Many men do not like having a girlfriend who is more successful than they are. So when she starts getting promotions, raises, and higher titles, he needs somewhere he can have the proverbial leg up. Attention from another woman can give him that.

What surprises me most is how much attention some people apparently require to maintain a relationship. Growing up, I saw the “doting wife” in television shows and movies, but I assumed the amount of reassurance she provided was exaggerated. I did not realize how many people expect their partners to take responsibility for keeping them confident and making sure they always feel desired.

I cannot relate to that kind of dependence. I have a vibrant social life, a stable career, and an unwavering sense of self. If I bring a man into my life, I want him to add to what I have already built. I would not expect him to become responsible for my self-worth, and I have no interest in taking responsibility for his.

Maybe that is the issue when your partner participates in micro-cheating: The external validation he seeks has never been, and will never be, satisfied by you alone. That is not your problem. It is who he is and where he is in life, and that’s OK.

There is no need to try to make him reach that conclusion. Either he sees it, or he does not.

So, if you are trying to determine whether you consider micro-cheating true infidelity, decide that for yourself first. Make a list of what you would consider worth ending a relationship over if you were not already attached to the person responsible. Your standards should not change each time someone you love presents a new excuse. This is not something that should be decided case by case, depending on how badly you want to stay.

And do not waver. Settling or changing your beliefs for someone else only puts you at a disadvantage. There is no prize for being the woman who can endure the most disrespect.

Call it micro-cheating if the label makes everyone more comfortable. I call it the preview, and I have never needed to watch the rest of the movie.

The post Harris: There is nothing “micro” about this appeared first on Itemlive.

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